As many of you know I am currently a student at BYUI and working on my project for my Family class. I have chosen to use my blog to share what I have learned in this class. I will also share some of my own thoughts and ideas on the weekly subject. I hope you will be able to use this information to strengthen your marriages and families.
Week 1 is all about foundational processes for a healthy, enduring marriage. What is needed to build a strong, successful marriage foundation?
Personal commitment to marriage covenants in the "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other." When we are married, we make a covenant to one another "in sickness and health," in other words, in good times and bad. In marriage, you both give 100%. When times are difficult, you work through them together respectfully. Make sure that Jesus Christ is the focal point in marriage. Be dedicated to one another be willing to make sacrifices for each other. Cleave to one another and no one else. The scriptures tell us the Lord declared, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22)
I am sure you have heard the statement "those who pray together stay together." Praying together, attending the temple, and attending church meetings together will strengthen your marriage and keep the spirit in your marriage and life. Being dedicated to one another, and commented to your marriage is just one thing you can do to strengthen your relationship.
Love and friendship is another essential part of a successful marriage. The Family Proclamation to the World states, "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children," One way that we can nurture love and friendship in your marriage is by finding out how your spouse likes to receive love and then do those things often. Know your spouse's dreams, fears, likes, dislikes, worries, and more. If you do not know those things, then take the time to ask your spouse the necessary questions to get to know them.
Therapist Richard Stuart (1980) introduced what he calls "caring days," which involves couples identifying sets of loving actions they would like to receive from each other. For it to work for you and your spouse, you need to be specific, positive, and it needs to be small enough to do every day. IT MUST NOT RELATE TO RECENT CONFLICT! A good example could be sending your spouse a loving text telling them what you appreciate about them.
Positive Interaction is vital to promoting growth within your marriage. Focusing on the positive qualities that your spouse has will help to enhance your marriage. If you are focused on all the negative things, they will override the positive ones. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE! President Gordon B. Hinckley shared, "faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles." How many times have we all heard the quote, "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence." Probably too many times. I recently found another quote "the grass is greener where you water it." If we positively invest our time and energy into "watering" our marriages, they will flourish.
Accepting influences from each other is another way to strengthen marriages. When a couple shares equally in all family affairs, the result will be a firmer family foundation with less conflict and contention. What are some ways we can accept influence from our spouses? When you need advice, turn toward them, be open to what they have to say, and consider their opinions. Working together to solve a problem is so much better than trying to solve it on your own. Sometimes your spouse's view is precisely what you needed.
Handling differences and Conflicts respectfully is essential in marriage. One way of doing this is holding couple councils. What is a couple council? It is a time that you set apart to discuss concerns or issues related to your marriage relationship. Make sure that you do not use destructive interactions such as Gottman's four horsemen.
1. Criticism: Attacking one's personality
2. Contempt: Sarcasm mixed with criticism such as eye-rolling
3. Defensiveness: Not taking responsibility
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing or being unwilling to discuss the issues.
If you are using these in your interactions with your spouse, STOP IT!
What can you try in place of those things? Calmly and respectfully bring up your concern with your spouse privately. Speak for yourself using "I" when communicating your feelings. While discussing, be clear, polite, and appreciative. Work to repair the issue together to reach a solution. Be fair, forgiving, patient, and kind when working through problems.
Continued courtship or dating is a must if you want to prevent your marriage from becoming stale. Couples can drift apart if they don't take the necessary time for each other. Have an evening one night a week to spend some quality time together. Time spent not discussing all the responsibilities you share, such as parenting, financials, and conflicts. Instead, focus on having fun together, laughing, and being playful. Make sure that you acknowledge and set aside time for special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays. Show your spouse how special they are to you. Date nights do not have to be expensive. Something I have tried in my marriage is having us write down some fun ideas for date night and sealing them in envelopes. We take turns picking an envelope out of the basket. Dates are important, and they are easy to push back and set aside, but they should not be. Dating is a great way to reconnect each week. Take time each day to talk and ask about each other's day. Do something special every day to show appreciation and love for each other. It could be a little sticky note on the counter, reminding them how much you love them and appreciate them.
I am loving what I am learning and want to share it with others. Feel free to share some of your thoughts and ideas.
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