Ramblings Of The Farmers Wife!

 Dealing with Illnesses and Death

 I was born with an unnoticed heart defect until seven days old, surprised medical caregivers, and lived through a blockage in my aorta.  I had open-heart surgery and have thrived. I have been able to have a family of my own.  I can remember my mom telling me that she would sit with me at Primary Children’s hospital and think about how grateful she was that my problems were not like others there. I never really understood what she meant until I was thankful that my daughter’s issues were not like others. The timing of my condition was not great as my parents had four other children at home ranging from age two to eight.

The Family Proclamation to the World teaches us “that family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His Children.” Illnesses, disability, and death were intended to be shared within families. Those are some of the hardest things we will face in this life, and I know without the love and support from my family, I would not have been able to make it through some of my trials, especially with my daughter.

 I consider my daughter to be a miracle. We still do not know the cause or reasons for her health problems. It had to do with vomiting. She would quit breathing whenever she vomited and would need to be resuscitated. It happened ten times before she had surgery to prevent her from vomiting. Since that time, she has endured many surgeries and had several different health problems. I can remember praying 100’s of times a day while my daughter was an infant that she would live and that she would grow and have a life of her own. I was lucky I have a big family, and someone was always with my daughter and me day and night. As my daughter has grown, I know that Heavenly Father knows her by name, and he has big plans for her. Through all her struggles, she has become strong and independent.

Death losing a loved one or facing death oneself is one of the most challenging things we face in this life. Some of us know about Eternal life and know that we will reunite with our loved ones. Others do not. It is still exceedingly difficult. Recently I lost two uncles. Both deaths were unexpected. It was sad, and I will miss them, but the most challenging part is watching their family grieve. The scripture Mosiah 18:9 asks us if we are willing” to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” What are some ways that we can do that? You could share positive memories of the person, help with childcare, cleaning, and any other needs they need. I know for my Aunt, having us their helping greet guests, receive meals, and keep track of the names of those who came was extremely helpful.  Weeks after the funeral having the list of names helped her to be able to send Thank You cards.  

 Family Recreation Builds Strong Families

We started a non-profit animal farm two years to help those in need with animal-assisted activities. We had just purchased a beautiful miniature Appaloosa named Patch. He had one eye as he had lost his other shortly after birth. The previous owner would take Patch to hospitals, nursing homes, and other events. I knew that Patch needed to continue his work, and our family could use the opportunity to serve others. As a family, we started our journey. The first invitation came from a local nursing home inviting us to bring some of our animals to a 4th of July celebration. We took Patch, Danny, one of our sheep, and Archie, my dad’s Nigerian dwarf goat, the first year. Each of my children handled one of the animals allowing the residents to pet and hug the animals. The animals had red, white, and blue headbands on, and we had lights around our necks. Watching the comfort our animals bring to the residents is what makes the day perfect. They always look forward to our visits, and we always look forward to visiting them.

 This year because of COVID-19, we could not attend the annual 4th of July celebration or have activities on our farm as planned. We are hopeful that this next year we will be able to resume. My children do not always enjoy the work that comes with having animals, but I know they appreciate the joy the animals bring to those in need. It is not always about our happiness; sometimes, it is about the happiness of others.

Do all members of your family like your family activities? Everyone should enjoy the activities it is not fair to only think of ourselves when planning activities, you must consider the other members in the family and their enjoyment. The three types of recreation are as follows:

• Parallel involves multiple family members doing the same thing but not interacting with each other much such as watching movies and television.
• Joint: High level of communication and interaction such as canoeing, kayaking, chess, and checkers leads to great satisfaction and strengthening of relationships.
• Independent: activities are done alone, which can have negative effects.

Overscheduling can put constraints on family recreations between school, work, and extracurricular activities. It is hard to find time to spend all together. This year COVID-19 allowed families to spend more uninterrupted time together without all the distractions. Yes, COVID has been frightening and challenging. It has allowed families to clear schedules and make time for recreation.

 For our family, raising a premature baby goat, which we named Milo, game nights, movies, and road trips to the mountains have been some of the adventures we shared. Fishing, looking at the wildflowers, and visiting ghost towns allowed us time without distractions from phones and electronic devices. While I am thankful for the technology and all that it provides, it does consume a lot of our time. Growing a garden, swimming in the backyard, and cuddling with our animals have helped strengthen our relationships and bring peace and comfort during this time in our lives.

What is accomplished when we forgive or seek forgiveness? We can re-establish relationships with those we care about, have a clear consequence, gain empathy, and become humble. We have all had times in our lives when we have offended someone or have been offended. Some situations that would require forgiveness could be as follows:

• Unequal treatment by parents or spouse
• Unacceptance of spouse or romantic partner by parents or siblings
• Failure to protect a child from harm as a parent
• Repeated broken family commitments or prolonged absences
• Disagreements between siblings or spouse regarding caring for ill or elderly relatives
• Disputes regarding funerals or estate settlement

Repairing the damages caused by these situations in families can be hard to fix but not impossible. Hard work, dedication, and love will help in the forgiveness process. The three kinds of forgiveness are interpersonal transgressions, in which both parties are at fault. Roles of victim and offender are shared both seek mutual forgiveness. Bilateral forgiveness the offender seeks forgiveness from the victim and unilateral, or one-way forgiveness, where the offender will not or can not seek forgiveness from the victim. The victim can achieve forgiveness without the offender’s apology. You must recognize the offense, feel the sorrow for the offense, disclose the offense, avoid the behavior, and make restitution.

Forgiveness involves having empathy and humility. Being arrogant, selfish, or prideful will not allow us to become humble. To truly seek forgiveness, we must recognize and admit our mistake without blaming or trying to justify your actions. Empathy is understanding the feelings of the other person.  

I have had the opportunity to see forgiveness at work in my own family. Five siblings did not agree on their mother's care, and three went one way while two went another. There were deaths and births during those years of not talking. Several years later, one sibling reached out to all her siblings to bring peace and forgiveness to share their lives again. They all forgave each other and have since shared some fantastic times and comfort each other through some recent deaths.

Marriage a Lifelong Commitment! 

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, or at least it should be. The alternative to marriage is living together or cohabitating, where is the commitment in that? Having stability in your marriage leads to happiness, better health, and prosperity. Extensive research has been done on the benefits of marriage. Research shows that married adults are healthier than non-married couples. Some of the health benefits are lower risk of depression; life expectancy increases with the marriage duration and reduces mental disorders and substance abuse.  Research shows that married couples are better off financially as well.

Having realistic expectations helps bring couples closer emotionally as well as physically. Life has its ups and downs. Being real with each other and staying committed will help you journey through all trial’s life hands out. Marriage is like a bank account. You must make the deposits to cover the withdrawals. You must put the time and energy into the relationship if you want to have positive results. I know that we have had our challenges in my married life that have tested our commitment, but, in the end, we could not imagine life without each other. Some of the best moments in our lives have happened together with unforgettable memories made. Marriage is two imperfect people sharing a life, so do not worry about having the "perfect marriage."

I have had a few friends who thought it was best to move in together instead of getting married. Some have said marriage is just a piece of paper. It does not mean anything. WRONG, marriage is everything. It is the commitment that you make to another to be there for the good, bad, and sad. It is too easy to walk away when you have not committed to marrying. Research shows that couples who lived together before marriage have higher divorce rates, more negative communication, and lower levels of marital satisfaction.  Couples who live together without being married often develop a mindset of "if it doesn't work out, I can easily get out," which probably never really goes away even after marriage.

Marriage Through The Years!

For a marriage to last a lifetime, you must put in the time and commitment it takes. It takes two to make a marriage work. One cannot do it on their own. Being respectful to each in words and thoughts helps to build a solid foundation. When you get married, you want it to be for eternity! Having God in your life and relationship will contribute to a long-term marriage. With God, all things are possible! To keep your marriage foundation strong, you must be committed to the marriage and each other, love each other, be positive, accept influences from your spouse, be respectful, handle differences respectfully, and continue to DATE!!  You will endure many different stages of your marriage. It is how you address the changes and challenges that will determine the impact it will have on your marriage. One of the transitions we will make as parents are emptying the nest. Every parent will send the children off into the world, and for some, it is hard to do, especially for moms. They have spent a great deal of their married life raising children. It becomes like an identity. I am the mom; that is what I am; that is what I do.

Like most moms, I wondered, "who am I now that I am not raising children?"  Though I have not reached that completely, yet I am getting closer. Like many other moms, I know one of the concerns I have is, will we still have things in common when the kids leave? Now is the time to draw together and rekindle the romance. Easier said than done, right? It's time to reconnect as a couple. It does not have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as cooking together in the kitchen, maybe even dance around the kitchen while the food is cooking. In my marriage, we took some time one night to make a list of places and things we wanted to do, then put them each in an envelope and take turns picking the envelope. It is a way for us to enjoy something that the other likes.

Some of the other stages are retirement and physical decline, and caregiving. Have you thought about what you are going to do after you retire? Are you going to retire to something a hobby maybe? Have you prepared for the possibility of a financial change? These are all things you need to ask yourself so that you are emotionally prepared for the change when the time comes for you to retire. Start developing mutual interests outside of work. We are all going to age our mobility, memory, stamina, hearing, sight, strength, and sexual functioning could be impacted, and for some, it may be worse than others. Sometimes this is what people call a "midlife crisis." It becomes a struggle to look past the changes our bodies are making, which could lead to being so focused on oneself that their partner feels ignored or overlooked, causing conflict in marriages. Be supportive and accepting of each other as the changes are taking place. The caregiving stage is ongoing. We care for our children, and then some of us will care for our parents, and finally, we may become our spouse's caregiver. Caregiving can be a challenge, especially if it is spousal. The caregiver may feel a loss of connection with their spouse because of decreased marital intimacy and physical impairments. Often referred to as a type of ambiguous loss.

The loss of loved ones and possible remarriage is another stage that some of us may face. It could be the loss of our spouse or a child, leading to a separation between marriage partners. Being a widow or widower is extremely hard, especially if you did not have time to prepare. I have watched my aunt go through so many different emotions since losing her husband unexpectedly last year. She has welcomed two new grandchildren and watched a son get married this last year, which was a struggle for her. She was happy, but she was sad that her beloved was not there with her for these special moments. What about remarriage? With that comes blending families and the sometimes-challenging problems that go with it. My grandmother lost her husband while in her forties, with two young children still at home. She worked hard throughout her life and never remarried. She stated that there was only one love for her, and it was my grandpa. She kept busy with her children and grandchildren, and that is what made her happy. Being alone is not for everyone. 

Finally, some of the most difficult challenges that can occur over time are numerous wounds, intentional and unintentional, that are likely to happen in marriage over the years. You must be willing to forgive if you want to have a fulfilling marriage. If your spouse has hurt, you allow them to regain your trust. Allow them to recognize what they did and apologize for it and then forgive. Sometimes the act of not forgiving is worse for the forgiver than it is for the other person. When we hold on to something that hurts us, we are only punishing ourselves. We are enabling ourselves to happiness by focusing on the misdeed. What is something that you can do together that will help to strengthen your marriage? Go out and help others together, support each other in your church callings, and serve one another. Be committed, faithful, supportive, and loving while working together to continue strengthening your marriage.

Equal Partnership!

The definition of equality in the Meriam -Webster Dictionary is the quality or state of being equal.

God provided us someone to share our life with. A companion and friend!

Elder Earl C. Tingey warns “that you must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet.” What is a helpmeet? It is a companion suited to or equal to us. In marriage, husband and wife should have an equal partnership. Husbands and wives should walk side by side with each other, not in front of or behind the other. Think about your marriages. Are you walking side by side with your spouse?

 The Family a Proclamation to the World states, "all human beings male and female are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents." Eve was created in the image of our Heavenly Mother to multiple and replenish the earth. As women, we have been designed to be able to bear children.  As Latter-day Saints, we do not look at the Fall as a tragedy. "The Proclamation teaches that gaining a physical body and earthly experiences are necessary to progress toward our eternal destiny and become like our Heavenly Parents.

Equality and Love is a must for successful marriage. In the talk entitled “The Women in Our Lives,” by  President Gordon B. Hinckley (Oct. 2004), he shared a tender moment from his marriage where his beloved wife said, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.” (2004, p. 85) https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/10/the-women-in-our-lives?lang=eng

After reading the talk, I asked myself if I have told my husband how much I love him for supporting and encouraging me to follow my dreams.  I have supported and encouraged my husband to follow his dreams. Are you supporting your spouse in following their dreams, and in return, are you being supported? Have you told your spouse how much you love and appreciate them?

Partners who share equal power in their marriage have a better marriage. Equal partners are generally better parents. They work together as a team to raise their children. In a marriage, the finances and financial decisions should be made together. Partners should share household chores and responsibilities.  Be flexible and patient with each other, do your best, be clear and reasonable about what you expect from your spouse. If you cannot read minds, your spouse cannot either.

Today I am sharing what I have learned about honoring marital vows with complete fidelity.

An affair or infidelity is not just sex outside of marriage there are four general types of infidelity:

• Fantasy
• Visual
• Romantic
• Sexual

Fantasy infidelity is having an emotional affair with someone anonymous (person in a chat room) or not likely to be encountered in person (such as a celebrity). What it may start out as a little crush on Matthew McConaughey can end up being more. When we imagine our life with another person other than a spouse it is a form of infidelity. It can take place entirely within your imagination or be done through emails, chat rooms, or social networking sites. How about getting the friend request from your high school sweetheart? Definitely should not be pursued. When you are putting your time and energy into being with someone online, you take it away from what you should have been putting into your marriage. 

 Visual infidelity is one of the most common types of infidelity. An example of this infidelity would be pornography, and it is something that both men and women may struggle with. Pornography is easy to access and can cost nothing. It is something that can be accessed 24/7, and it ruins lives. It is an ongoing addiction that you can work to control but have to be diligent about staying clear of the triggers that make you want to look at it. Technology is an excellent tool and can do so much good, but it does have its downside, and pornography is one of them. Pornography will take control of your life. It will distract you from what is important. There are several resources available for anyone dealing with this addiction and their loved ones. I encourage anyone who is dealing with this to reach out and get help so that you can get your life back.

 Romantic infidelity is becoming emotionally involved with someone besides your spouse. It is usually the result of trying to escape the life you have. It seems like the perfect way to run from your responsibilities you share with your spouse, but it is not. You will continuously be trying to escape because your responsibilities will always be there. It may seem like it would be romantic and spontaneous, but it will be one more thing you will have to add to your responsibilities list. You will always be looking over your shoulder, hoping that nobody will see you or find out. You could have a romantic experience with your spouse if you put the time and effort into where it should be.

 Sexual infidelity is when you engage in sexual acts with someone other than your spouse. Veon Smith, a professor and marriage counselor, warned, "Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes." What could start as visual can quickly evolve into more, leading to sexual infidelity. 

 Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce. It breaks apart families and impacts the spouse's view of themselves.

 What can we do to prevent infidelity in our lives?

As a couple, establish boundaries, be loyal to one another, control your thoughts, and put your spouse first. Don't share personal marital issues with others. Resolve them with your spouse. When we put our spouse first, we are following the Lord's teachings. In the scriptures, we read, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22) This scripture works both ways wives should love their husbands with all their heart and no one else.

 What happens if infidelity has already happened in your marriage and you want to repair the marriage?

First, you have to be accountable for your actions. You need to be honest with your spouse.  Establish boundaries of how often and what aspects of the infidelity will be discussed. NO MORE SECRETS!