Ramblings Of The Farmers Wife!

Marriage Through The Years!

For a marriage to last a lifetime, you must put in the time and commitment it takes. It takes two to make a marriage work. One cannot do it on their own. Being respectful to each in words and thoughts helps to build a solid foundation. When you get married, you want it to be for eternity! Having God in your life and relationship will contribute to a long-term marriage. With God, all things are possible! To keep your marriage foundation strong, you must be committed to the marriage and each other, love each other, be positive, accept influences from your spouse, be respectful, handle differences respectfully, and continue to DATE!!  You will endure many different stages of your marriage. It is how you address the changes and challenges that will determine the impact it will have on your marriage. One of the transitions we will make as parents are emptying the nest. Every parent will send the children off into the world, and for some, it is hard to do, especially for moms. They have spent a great deal of their married life raising children. It becomes like an identity. I am the mom; that is what I am; that is what I do.

Like most moms, I wondered, "who am I now that I am not raising children?"  Though I have not reached that completely, yet I am getting closer. Like many other moms, I know one of the concerns I have is, will we still have things in common when the kids leave? Now is the time to draw together and rekindle the romance. Easier said than done, right? It's time to reconnect as a couple. It does not have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as cooking together in the kitchen, maybe even dance around the kitchen while the food is cooking. In my marriage, we took some time one night to make a list of places and things we wanted to do, then put them each in an envelope and take turns picking the envelope. It is a way for us to enjoy something that the other likes.

Some of the other stages are retirement and physical decline, and caregiving. Have you thought about what you are going to do after you retire? Are you going to retire to something a hobby maybe? Have you prepared for the possibility of a financial change? These are all things you need to ask yourself so that you are emotionally prepared for the change when the time comes for you to retire. Start developing mutual interests outside of work. We are all going to age our mobility, memory, stamina, hearing, sight, strength, and sexual functioning could be impacted, and for some, it may be worse than others. Sometimes this is what people call a "midlife crisis." It becomes a struggle to look past the changes our bodies are making, which could lead to being so focused on oneself that their partner feels ignored or overlooked, causing conflict in marriages. Be supportive and accepting of each other as the changes are taking place. The caregiving stage is ongoing. We care for our children, and then some of us will care for our parents, and finally, we may become our spouse's caregiver. Caregiving can be a challenge, especially if it is spousal. The caregiver may feel a loss of connection with their spouse because of decreased marital intimacy and physical impairments. Often referred to as a type of ambiguous loss.

The loss of loved ones and possible remarriage is another stage that some of us may face. It could be the loss of our spouse or a child, leading to a separation between marriage partners. Being a widow or widower is extremely hard, especially if you did not have time to prepare. I have watched my aunt go through so many different emotions since losing her husband unexpectedly last year. She has welcomed two new grandchildren and watched a son get married this last year, which was a struggle for her. She was happy, but she was sad that her beloved was not there with her for these special moments. What about remarriage? With that comes blending families and the sometimes-challenging problems that go with it. My grandmother lost her husband while in her forties, with two young children still at home. She worked hard throughout her life and never remarried. She stated that there was only one love for her, and it was my grandpa. She kept busy with her children and grandchildren, and that is what made her happy. Being alone is not for everyone. 

Finally, some of the most difficult challenges that can occur over time are numerous wounds, intentional and unintentional, that are likely to happen in marriage over the years. You must be willing to forgive if you want to have a fulfilling marriage. If your spouse has hurt, you allow them to regain your trust. Allow them to recognize what they did and apologize for it and then forgive. Sometimes the act of not forgiving is worse for the forgiver than it is for the other person. When we hold on to something that hurts us, we are only punishing ourselves. We are enabling ourselves to happiness by focusing on the misdeed. What is something that you can do together that will help to strengthen your marriage? Go out and help others together, support each other in your church callings, and serve one another. Be committed, faithful, supportive, and loving while working together to continue strengthening your marriage.